If you ever find this,
My love,
My heart is tired, I’m approaching the end of my journey, and I don’t know if I will ever find you, and that’s okay. I don’t know what you look like, but sometimes I can feel you. Your heart is kind and vast. It’s hard for you to rest because of the empathy you feel for all living things, so you often push yourself past your limits. You learned early on that being torn apart eventually makes you stronger, that suffering deepens your well of compassion to nourish others. You often love things that are hurt. You welcome challenges even if they might destroy you. You often lose yourself in others and have to find yourself again and again.
My love, maybe you are beautiful. My body, at this moment, for some reason, is very beautiful. Seeing me would bring you pleasure. If I met you, I would love to finally see your face, to trace your brow and the contours of your nose with my fingertips, to see what my dreams have wrought. I would love to hold your body tightly with mine, these strange fleshy things that are capable of feeling so much -so much pain, but also so much pleasure. When we touch each other, we will forget pain. My skin is so soft, my scent is so sweet, my lips are so eager. My love, I would make you so happy.
My love, I hope your heart is full of the love that you’ve sown, that your life is full of abundance and light. Maybe you have a family already, a beautiful wife and kids, a sense of deep purpose and roots from which you can drink deeply the succor of this earth. I hope you go to sleep every night wrapped in the ones you love. I hope you are so happy, that you wish this life would never end. I hope that you are so fulfilled, that you’ll never think to look for me.
My love. I love you so much. I don’t know if I will find you in this lifetime. It’s a big world, and I honestly have terrible taste in men. But I’ll write to you and make photos and videos, and maybe someday we will meet again.
Fan-Pei
